


The story of us

by Sofy2801



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 02:14:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12520664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sofy2801/pseuds/Sofy2801
Summary: These are the scenes of The Halcyon in which Toby and Adil are involved, narrated by Toby directly.I wanted to give him the opportunity to tell the story from his point of view, exploring his feelings and emotions, since he's quite a complex personality.





	1. Attraction

**Author's Note:**

> I have some questions for whoever is reading the story (and wants to leave a comment) that can help me with the chapters I'm going to write:  
> \- shall I leave this serie's compliant, writing only about scenes we've actually seen on the TV show?  
> \- or do I have to add fanfiction scenes (like, for example, Toby&Adil frst time)?  
> \- would it be interesting to have the story also from Adil's point of view?
> 
> Thanks for your help!!

I’ve never been good with feelings and emotions, probably because I’ve always been taught that a man like me, coming from an old aristocratic family, doesn’t have to show them in public. Or maybe because in my family, showing affection, or anger or any kind of feeling at all was almost prohibited. That was, until my father died.

I felt like a heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders, and suddenly I became aware that he was keeping all of us in a prison. Since he’s gone, we’re all free to show and tell what we think, and I’m sure the bond between my brother and I is growing stronger now than when we were little.

But this unexpected freedom, has brought something else at surface. Something I’m pretty sure was hidden deep inside of me for a long time, but I was too scared to let it come out.

And I’m still scared, but that gives me a sort of thrill and I can’t help myself…I can’t stop looking at a certain person and thinking he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Every time I enter the lounge, my eyes immediately go and search for him. If he’s there, then I’m sure my evening, and my night, will be full of good thoughts. If he’s not, the bad mood will remain until I can see him again.

Tonight is even better than usual. We’ve had a little conversation, and he told me that being me was something special…no one, not even my mother, has never said to me that I’m special…and hearing those words coming from him made butterflies explode in my stomach. 

We touched, I placed my hand above his when he passed me the glass…and our eyes met. For some seconds we stayed like this and I swear I couldn’t hear anything around me, only the furious beat of my heart.

There was only Adil and I.

But before I could get ridiculous or do or say something inappropriate, Joe O’Hara came along and took him away from me…

And now here I am, sitting in a corner of the room, unable to take my eyes off of Adil.

I know it’s dangerous, if someone would watch me carefully, will have no doubt that I’m actually drooling after the bartender. But I can’t stop. Not even when he catches me staring, and gives me a small smile, making me feel heat from my head to my toes.

There’s no point in denying it now: I’m attracted by Adil Joshi, the barman who works in my hotel’s lounge. There are just few problems: he’s a man, he’s Indian, I’m indirectly his employer…I really can’t see how this could ever work…


	2. Confusion

What I just did?

I’m so, so pathetic…

Look at me, walking around in my room like a lion in a cage, alone, with no one whom I can ask for an advice, or to tell me what to do.  
And even if I could tell someone what’s going on in my heart right now, I’m sure they would tell me I made a mistake, that I’m acting like an idiot pretending I can ignore the feelings, keeping him at distance.

I was so happy when he sent coffee to my room the other night, because this meant he cares for me. I know it sounds very sad to tell this, but it’s really unusual for me to have someone who cares for my health and my wellness, and the fact that was Adil that someone, made it really special for me.

When Tom left, I couldn’t stop grinning like a fool, looking at the tray on my table. 

But then I thought of what I would have done if it had been directly Adil who did the room service…I would have stopped him, and I would have thanked him with a kiss…  
When I brought the cup to my lips, I felt the desperate need to feel Adil’s lips against mine. I was imaging in my mind how it would be to kiss him and taste him, while the hot liquid was going down my throat making me almost moan.

And that terrified me like hell.

I’ve never thought such things about any kind of human being, and all of a sudden, I’m longing to kiss another man, getting turned on only at the thought of it.

I almost broke the cup for the shock. 

I’m not prepared for this…one thing is to feel attracted by an unquestionably beautiful man, who’s charming, fun and exotic. Another is to physically need to have a contact with him.

I doesn’t work like that, it’s not possible. I have to keep this under control.

Well, I’ve found a very bad way to do it.

I told him that there’s a line between us that can’t be crossed and there can never be a friendship…and in the exact moment I was saying those words, I knew they weren’t true and when I saw how heartbroken Adil looked, I wanted to take them back.

And I tried, but I knew I was only embarrassing myself more…so I run away and closed in my room.

How will I be able to look at Adil again, after treating him like this? Why did I said that?

I’m so confused. I know I feel something for him, but for the world we’re leaving in, this is wrong. 

I don’t want to hurt him or make him sad, and I’m so mad at myself for this but at the same time I can’t let my feelings show. I had to stop whatever thing there is between us before it gets too far. 

Even if all in me is screaming to come back to Adil and tell him the truth. 

Even if my body almost hurts with the desire of feeling his touch and hear his voice again. 

Even if I’m perfectly aware that the flame that’s burning inside of me can be extinguished only by him.


	3. Acceptance

It happened.

What I was dreaming and fearing the most since weeks now, has finally happened this afternoon.

Adil kissed me.

I’m reviewing the scene in my mind for the thousandth time, completely unable to sleep.

I was trying to escape from that terrible Lady Theresa my mother was trying to matching me with. She and her frivolous talks about horses were really getting on my nerves, putting my good manners to the test.

I reached for the wine cellar, and I thought it would have been safe down here. And here he was, searching for some bottles to bring up for the wedding reception.

I didn’t thought about the fact that we would have been closed in such a small place, I only wanted to hide form her.  
So I pushed him against the wall and when he chuckled, I automatically placed my hand above his mouth…

I ignored the spark I felt at that contact, with his hot breath sending electric vibes through my body, and when she left and I looked at him, I tried my best to appear relieved but I was getting more and more aware that our proximity was extremely dangerous.

He made the move that I was so pathetically trying to postpone even if I knew it was inevitable, giving the position we were in…

It has been magical. I don’t think I’ve ever felt something like this. He pressed his warm and soft lips on mine, and kept them there for few seconds and I could finally taste him…exotic, intriguing and lovable like in my dreams.  
I’m still intoxicated by the turmoil of emotions that that kiss has made me feel.

But I was so shocked that Adil had found the courage to do what I only did in my imagination, that I froze…and, for the umpteenth time I run away, without even giving him the time to say sorry.

It was impossible to ignore him though…there was a wedding reception going on and I had to stay in the lounge where he was serving champagne to the guests. I was a mess, so nervous and happy and excited and scared…

When Freddie made his speech as groomsman, his words stroke me like a lighting during a storm: we are defined by those who love us and the ones we choose to love back.  
I instinctively looked at Adil, who was keeping his eyes glued on Freddie on the stage. I knew he was avoiding me, but if he would have looked at me in that moment, he would have seen how true those words were for him and for me.

And when Lady Theresa asked me to dance, I looked at him again. I wanted him to see me, to let him know that I wasn’t upset, but, on the contrary, I was ready for him, for giving us a chance.  
He saw me rejecting her and looking at him, and I saw a light smile at the corner of his lips.

Tomorrow I’ll ask him to come to my room and we’ll talk. I need to ask him to forgive me for my behaviour, to ask him to take me even if I tried to push him away, I want to ask him to stay with me, because that’s the thing I want the most.

And now I’m sure this can work. I accept who I am and what I feel, because is finally making sense.


	4. FEAR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've decided how this should go on:  
> \- I'll add fanfic scenes (this and next chapter are one of these)  
> \- Adil will have his own version of "The story of us", so some scenes (like their second kiss in Toby's room) will be in his story  
> I do it because, otherwise, this story would become too long and I don't want to go beyond 10 chapters max.   
> I think Toby's story will have other 3 chapters left, the last one (Adil's attempted suicide and Toby rescue) will be the final one and both Toby and Adil will have their version of it.
> 
> By now, enjoy these two chapters and thanks for your comments and help!

I’m panicking, I need to talk to someone otherwise I’m going crazy…  
A bomb dropped on a shelter near Paddington and killed everyone…Adil lives there…and I have no idea how to find out if he’s ok or not. I can only wait for him to come to my room, and if he doesn’t come…

That only thought is making me sick. I can’t lose him. There are so many things we have to do together, I still haven’t told him what I feel, that I’m in love with him. We still haven’t made love, well, not properly…we have still things to say to get to know each other better. We need time, we cannot end this way.

I know something like this could happen, we’re in the middle of a damn war, but when we are together, I feel safe, and I had that crazy idea that we were invincible.

Ok, if I don’t get out of this room I’ll explode.

Emma, I need to find Emma…she’s the only one I can talk with.

I find her in the lobby and I drag her in the storage room, that’s empty now. She looks at me quite worried, I probably have an awful face.

“How do you do it? How can you carry on knowing that every moment Freddie could die?”

She frowns, I know they are not on good terms right now, but then her expressions softens…I’m sure she’s still in love with him, she’s the only one who can understand how I’m feeling right now.

“Toby…I don’t have an answer…I try to keep my mind focused on my job, sometimes I pray, sometimes I cry, but unfortunately, there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it”

“That doesn’t help…I’m not working today, I don’t pray and I’m afraid I’m unable to cry…I’m going out of my mind”

“What happened?” 

Emma comes closer and places her hands on mine, I relax a bit, but the only person able to calm me down when I panic is not here with me.

“A very special person lives near a place where a bomb killed all the people inside a shelter and I don’t know if…” I can’t finish the sentence…

“You mean the bomb near Paddington? Mr Joshi lives there, we can ask him some news”

At the mention of Adil’s name, I jump. “He’s here?”

“No, his shift starts at noon, If I remember well”

My hopes immediately deflates…he’s not here, I have to wait other two hours to know.

“Or, if you give me the name of that person, I can try to search for her with the volunteers I’m working with”

I can’t hold it back anymore “Adil, Mr Joshi…he’s my special person”

I lift my eyes to look at Emma, expecting to find disgust and rejection on her face, but I’m met by a soft understanding smile.

“Then I think we have to wait, he usually arrives earlier so I guess in an hour and half we’ll know”

“And if he doesn’t come?”

“Toby…”

“I know I don’t have to think this but…if he doesn’t come? What am I supposed to do?”

“We’ll send someone to check his house and the hospitals. I’m sure he’s fine, but if he’s not, we’ll find him and you’ll be able to stay with him”

“And if…”

“Don’t you dare say it, Toby! Don’t think he’s dead, never…”

I suddenly feel the urgent need to cry. The last time I cried I was a child, since then, not a tear has fallen from my eyes but now, the fear of losing the first person I’ve ever loved is killing me. I break down, and Emma holds me, whispering “It’s alright”. But it’s not, not until Adil comes back to me, safe and sound, and I can hug him, kiss him, show him how much he means to me.

Please, please…Adil, my love, be fine, please, be fine and come to me!


	5. TENSION

I convinced Adil to stay the night. He’s sleeping peacefully by my side, and I can’t stop looking at him: he’s so beautiful, so perfect…but he looks so tired lately.

Since D’Abberville saw us, he’s strange. He keeps telling me everything is alright, but I know he’s worried for me, he always worries for me, if I work too much or I don’t sleep enough, he’s so sweet and caring and I’ve never felt so cherished before.

I’m sure something is bothering him, every time I mention D’Abberville, he gets tense. A couple of days ago I met him in the wine cellar where we had our first kiss, I’m sure he was crying even if he tried to deny it. He doesn’t talk to me if I ask him what’s going on, he smiles sadly and kisses me. I know he’s trying to protect me, he doesn’t want to add problems to our already hard life, but I feel so useless…I want to share everything with him, like a normal couple would do, but it seems like he doesn’t trust me enough to do it.

Maybe is because I still haven’t told him that I love him…I was about to before, actually, but he silenced me.

We were naked in my bed, kissing passionately…

“Toby…make love to me, please” he begged with a whisper.

I looked at him, his eyes were shining with lust and tears. 

“Are you sure?” 

Since we made love the first time, he’s usually the one on top, because I found out that I like it more this way. The pleasure he makes me feel being inside of me is infinitely better and he makes love to me in such a tender way that every time I feel like I’m in paradise.

“Yes, yes…I need to feel you inside of me”

I obliged, and a deep moan escaped our mouths when I pushed forward. Seeing the abandoned expression on Adil’s face, I felt that I should tell him the magical words…

“I lo…” but he placed a finger on my mouth.

“Don’t say it, Toby, please…show it to me, make me feel it, but please, don’t say it”

I didn’t understand. He was the one who told me to let my emotions out, to follow my heart and do what it tells me, and now that I was doing exactly that, telling him that I love him, he didn’t want to hear it? Maybe because he doesn’t feel the same? 

No, is not that…I heard him saying it one night before he left, thinking I was asleep, and everything he does reflects his feelings. I have no doubts about it. Adil loves me back but for some unknown reason I can’t tell him.

He kissed me so desperately that I decided to ignore the issue and do what he wanted. We made love, more than once, in a way we probably haven’t done before, and it was heaven, then we finally fell asleep together.

I have to go through this, he has to tell me what’s the problem but I don’t want to force him. He has to feel that I’m here for him like he’s always been for me.

I love you, I love you Adil and I will keep saying it in my mind until you’ll be ready to hear it.


	6. Betrayal

The past few days had been the worst of my life…

I thought that, for once, luck was on my side. I had a job that I liked and a person I loved, who loved me back. 

How a fool I’ve been, to think things could go as I wished.

Now here I am, forced to betray my country, to pretend to be happy for my mother who’s going to marry the man who destroyed my life, completely unaware that he’s working for the enemy. And the worst part is that I’m alone, because the only person I would want by my side is the cause of all this messy situation.

How could he do this to me? He said he did it to protect me and his family, and I can understand it, but he didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth, and that hurts. I thought we were a real couple, and couples face the problems together. We could have dealt with it, if only he told me…

It has been so hard to hear Adil saying he actually betrayed me, my heart broke into thousand pieces. At first I thought he’d never loved me, that was all a lie…but I knew it wasn’t true, what we had was real. He couldn’t fake the emotions I could read on his face every time we kissed, the passion when we made love, the flirting looks while he worked.

When he told me the truth, it all made sense: the reason of his strange behaviour of the past weeks was clear and I could read the guilt in his eyes.

It was like the K.O. punch, all my dreams about us being together blown away.

Why did it happen to me? Why me? Can’t I be happy for more than a month?

I can’t sleep, I constantly live with the terror that Agent Mortimer would come to take me again, and this time I don’t think I could resist. I’m sure my colleagues suspect me, and when I come “home”, is even worst, because everywhere I turn, I see either D’Abberville and his devilish smile, or Adil, and his heartbroken face.

I can’t avoid them even if I try, and this is putting my nerves on the edge.

I can’t stay in my room without looking at the bed and think of all the things I did with Adil there. I can’t go to the lounge because I would have to face him, and I’m not able to do it.

It’s like hell for me here…I have to find a way out…


	7. Courage

Ok, that’s my plan: since Mr Garland’s moves seem not have any effect on the situation, I’ll make mine.

 

I will call the MI6, anonymously, to report D’Abberville. I’m sure there must be evidences of who he really is in his room, and if they’ll found them, they could arrest him. 

Even if he would tell them about me, I don’t think they’ll believe him: he’s a stranger, a spy working for the Germans, while I’m a respectable member of the society. Besides, Adil could be in danger…and the thought of him arrested and treated like rubbish is making me sick.

I know it’s against all reasons, but I can’t hate him. I’m still mad at him, I can’t see him without getting angry. But I haven’t stopped for a second to love him. 

I’ve fallen too deeply in love with Adil to get past of it so soon. He’s in everything I do or think, he’s in my blood, in my mind, in my dreams…I can’t escape that, and I don’t want to do it because my love for him is what makes me feel alive.

That’s why, even after all he did to me, I still worry about his safety.

But the only thing I can do to make him leave, so that the Police won’t find him if they arrive and things don’t go as I planned, is telling him that I don’t want to see him ever again. I’ll have to be cruel, I’ll have to force myself and treat him bad because that’s what could make him actually leave the hotel.

I have to pick up all my courage: my future happiness in in my own hands, I can do it!  
____________________

Adil came to my room before I had the chance to call him. 

He facilitated my plan telling me he wanted to go to the police and tell them he stole the documents from me…that gave me the last push to go on with my plan.

I told him I’m disgusted by what we did, that I want him to disappear and that there will never be a place for him in my life.

He was so devastated by my words…and it took all of my strength not to break down and kiss him.

He left, throwing his bowtie on my table.

I’m holding it now, it’s almost burning in my hand…I recall all the times I untied it to undress Adil…when it will all be over, I’ll search him and we’ll talk. It cannot end like this, we deserve a second chance.  
____________________

I’m hiding downstairs like a thief.

No one came to my room while I was getting ready for the anniversary party. I don’t know if it’s a good thing…maybe the MI6 hasn’t come yet, maybe they’re here right now…everything seems calm, but I have to be sure.

I meet Tom, and I ask him if he saw the Police upstairs, but he said no. 

That’s not making me quiet…he then stops me.

“Mr Hamilton, I’ve got this letter for you from Mr. Joshi”

I take the envelop. I don’t know why I have a very bad sensation about this letter. I open it and the world stops turning.

“Toby, I just want you to know that I’m truly sorry. Sorry to have forced you to do something that disgusts you, sorry to haven broken your trust, sorry to have put you in a situation that could have ruined your life forever, sorry for every damage I have made. What I did is unforgivable, and you’re perfectly right: I have to disappear. Leaving you forever is the hardest choice I’ve ever made, but if I can’t stay with you, then my life isn’t worth it. I love you, Toby, like I’ve never loved before. You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I hope you’ll be happy, you deserve so much better…goodbye, my love. Forever.”

No,no, no, it can’t be what I think it is!

I run to Tom: “When did he give this to you?”

“Few hours ago”

Few hours? Oh no, it can't be too late…no, don’t think this.

Run, Toby, run as fast as you can.


	8. LOVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of Toby's version of "The Story of us".
> 
> Next year will come the story from Adil POV.
> 
> I think I'll post something "Christmas style", a short story...an idea that has just born in my mind...

I’ve never been good with physical activities, I’m surprised by how fast I’m running and that I’m not tired.

The only thing I can think of is Adil: his eyes who looked so deeply into my soul and could read me like no others; his mouth, so soft and kissable and absolutely irresistible when he smiles; his perfect body, that I know in every inch and that’s capable of giving me the greatest pleasure; his accent, so exotic and sweet that I could spend hours listening to him talking about his childhood in India.

I think at our first kiss, how it scared me even if I wanted it to happen so badly; at when he came to my room, willing to resign, and I told him that I wanted to stay with him; at the first time we made love, which is the best day of my life, so far; at all the stolen glances, the furtive touches and the hours spent in my room talking and kissing and loving.

And now, I’ve destroyed everything.

Trying to get out of a problem, I’ve caused a tragedy…to the most important person of my life…and I didn’t even had the chance to tell him “I love you”.

I hope that letter didn’t mean a final goodbye, he can’t be…NO! Remember what Emma told you: don’t ever think he’s dead.

I finally reach the building in which his flat is, second floor, this damn steps seem to never end…

“Adil!” I furiously knock. 

No answer.

“Adil!”

I need to tear down the door. One, two, three...nothing, try again, with all your strength Toby. One, two three…

I’m inside, he’s there, lying peacefully in his bed.

The smell of the gas is intoxicating me, I turn it off and take Adil in my arms. We have to get out, he has to breath fresh air…

I lay him down on the stairs, I can’t understand if he’s still breathing, I’m panicking…

“Come on, come on!” I shake him but he doesn’t answer “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean it…I love you! Come on!”

I said it, like those words could make him come back to me.

And they can…Adil coughs, he breaths, he’s alive…

“Oh God, I thought I lost you”

He barely opens his eyes, and when he sees me, he hugs me tight. I can feel him crying, or it’s me? I don’t know, and I don’t care. The only thing that matters is that he’s still here with me, that I can still breath his exotic scent, touch his body, hear his voice.

“I love you, I love you, I love you” 

I can’t stop saying it now, kissing his face softly. I have to let all my love out of my heart. I hid it for too long, because of my fear and my weakness. I risked to lose it, true love, the one that comes once in a lifetime. I know deep inside that I won’t let anyone or anything standing between Adil and I again. I’m stronger, we’re stronger, together.

And he smiles, between tears and heavy breaths and he says it back, his voice just a weak whisper on my face. 

“I love you too, Toby”


End file.
